Benchmark.

When you say something is a benchmark, what do you think of? The first thing that comes to my head is a benchmark case or trial. That would be a case that sets a standard or establishes how something will be handled in the future.  A benchmark test would be one that shows the teacher where you are when the class starts. It sets that bar and you build from there. 

What about a benchmark race? Logically,  it would simply be a race that sets the bar to build off of; a starting point so you can see improvements. That is exactly what it is, and should not be something my head struggles with.  Alas...here we are, strugglin'. 

I have a race in 2 weeks. My first ever half marathon!! No matter what happens, it will be a PR because I have NEVER gone that distance. So, by definition,  it is a benchmark race.  I am having such a hard time accepting that for what it is. Why?? I will tell you. :) 

In my head my running benchmark was a year ago. When I took that 1st step and a faster pace. When I took 35 minutes to make it a mile around the block. When I did more walking/jogging than anything.  I had full intentions, in my head, of never needing to benchmark anything in running again.  I see myself as constantly building on that first step 365+ days ago. 

Now, I know some of you are ahead of me, but just hold on. I know what you want to say... 

Fast forward to 3 months ago. I live in the south. 3 months ago was June/July. What happens in the south during that time???? 

It gets hot? Was that your answer?? You are close.  It gets more than hot. I am fairly certain the sun moves closer to us and pokes at us with a giant stick and sees how close to catching on fire we can get.

I dont do a lot of outdoor running in the summer. I try but the need to breathe kicks in and I end up cross training indoors.  I knew this race was coming and I did what I could with the intention of hitting distances in August and September.  Well.... never plan for last minute training. I have been sick for almost a month. I have gone from cold to chest cold to flu like virus to severe sinus infection in about 30 days.  I am finally on the mend. I can move without panting and needing my inhaler. I still have a cough but it's better. I still cant get out and run. 

I tell you all that to say this. I am not going to blow this race out of the water. I am not going into this with the training I need to shave time off of miles or try and beat my last 5k record.  Those were my intentions.  That was my plan. I was going to continue to build off of my benchmark first steps in sept 2018. 

Now I have to rethink. I have to circle back and rewire my mindset. This being a benchmark half is not a setback, or a bad thing.  I feel like it is, but I know it's not. I keep telling myself , no matter what this 13.1 is a PR.  But I partly dont feel like it will be. I was supposed to be set to power through this and shatter my own expectations,  not get sick and accept the defeat of walking most of it. 

This race is a benchmark, by definition,  it is. It's my 1st half. It has no choice but to be a bar set to build from.  Why is this so difficult to wrap my head around? Why is putting one foot in front of the other such a mental game?? 

I dont know if anyone else has mental battles like I do, but I hope I'm not alone. My anxiety makes it worse I'm sure. I realized a couple weeks ago that this sickness had taken my out of "my race against me".  I have struggled ever since. I say the right stuff out loud bit6in my mind I am kicking myself for missed opportunities several months ago that would have helped now. I have 2 choices. Accept it and be defeated.  Accept it and move on.  

I am writing this down. I am blogging this right now. I will not be defeated.  Yes. I am going to end up walking a good bit on October 12. But I AM going to finish it.  Yes, I am aware that I may not see my record 13.28 mile time. But I WONT SEE that benchmark 35 minute mile time. Yes, this race will be a half marathon PR. Yes, this will be an easier one to beat during my next half.  Yes, this is a benchmark race. No it does not mean I have to start over from 365 days ago. I AM STILL BUILDING ON THAT BENCHMARK FIRST STEP CAUSE 365 DAYS AGO I COULDNT GO 13.1 MILES. 

I am so glad I read Meb Keflezighi's book "26 Marathons ". If you haven't,  I HIGHLY recommend you do. I have fallen back in his philosophy so much as I approach this half. He talks about what it means to Run To Win. Which does not mean finishing 1st.  That will be me on 10/12/19. Running to win. Getting the most out of me and my run that I can and being proud of those things. Learning and building so that I can win something new in the next race.  Thank you Meb!!!